23/01/2026

Song of the day: A mi ya me iba mal de antes - Aiko el grupo

Feeling: Dead

The bigass exam is in 6 months. I'm going insane. I have to become a musician, there's no way I'll survive otherwise, but I'm too bad at it. I hate my life so much. I hadn't self-harmed so much in years. I need to lock in but I honestly don't think there's anything I can do anymore.

This is by far the worst year of my life, and nothing bad has happened yet.

I'm trying to make good use of the time I have left, but I'm so tired. When my general mental state gets bad my self image gets worse and I start eating less, so I'm tired the entire day and need to sleep 12 hours. Fuck my life man.

04/01/2026

Song of the day: Eureka - HiiragiKirai

Feeling: Scared

The year's over and I feel like i have to talk about that. I'm terrified. Usually I finish the year feeling nostalgic, or sad or indiferent. But right now I'm just scared. For those who don't know, I'm colombian and fifteen years old, which means I'll graduate this year. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll present the big ass exam that will define the rest of my life in 9 months and start sending college applications in 10 months. I don't even know what I'm going to study, I didn't think I'd actually make it to my graduation until like six months ago.

I think I'm going to puke.

I just want a couple more years, I wish I were to graduate at 18 like americans, I wish I was born two years earlier so I graduated with my friends. Right now there's only two people in my generation I'm friends with, and don't get me wrong, I love them and I'm happy to have know them, but I don't want to go to the graduation of a generation that isn't mine.

All my friends say life is better when you graduate but I don't think that will be true for me. School sucks, yes, but they knew what they were going to study, they knew what to do and had the means to do it. They have schoolarships, or enough money for private education, or really chill families that won't mind if they take a year gap or study an useless degree. They were good at something they loved. I'm only good with math, and I really really don't want to become an engineer. I wish I had been a musical genius so it'd be justified that I spend my entire life pursuing that. But I'm not, I'd actually say I'm worse than average. I just want to die right now.

29/12/2025

Song of the day: Brain revolution girl - Maretu

Feeling: Great

I had a sleepover with two friends and my partner yesterday. The idea was to make a party to welcome back one of my close friends who was out of the country for 5 months, but he had to leave early because his mother didn't allow him to stay for the night. It was fun anyway. We played unmatched and smash, ate pizza (I didn't eat anything but they did so whatever) and then watched the mask. More accurately, everyone but my partner and I fell asleep in the first ten minutes while we were too busy being horny virgins. Or at least I hope he was in the same situation as me, otherwise I'd feel like a creep. The year is about to end and I don't feel like thinking about that right now. Problem for future me.